"Really" Black

Can someone please explain to me what the hell that means? I mean, to be considered black, do I have to speak a certain way? Maybe dress a certain way? Have a certain IQ? Are there all these little standards that I have to meet so that I can be called black? Just recently, someone thought I was only part black BECAUSE I AM SMART. REALLY though? How much more ignorant and narrow-minded could you get? At least that whole "acting black" bullshit has some foundation, but to say that I'm not 100% black because I am smart is some of the biggest bullshit I have heard in my life. It actually kind of makes me sad. That someone was REALLY that ignorant. He's very lucky he didn't say that to my face. I don't know what I would have said. 

But I don't get it. Do I really have to act a certain way so that I can be called black? I mean, how come I have to conform to some ugly stereotype to be considered my race? I mean, with white people, even if they act ghetto, they're still called white, right? But with blacks, they have to act a certain way so that they can be called really black? And how the hell does not acting a certain way disqualify me for being considered black? So are you trying to tell me that I fell into a vat of paint or something? And that it never washed off? Being black isn't determined by how I act, it's who I am. I'm sorry that I find it acceptable that I talk with somewhat proper grammar; I just don't see why I should lower my level of speech so that I fit in. I'm sorry that I like to dress the way I do because it's what I like. And I'm sorry that I find it ridiculous that some people wear belts and then put their pants at their knees. How does that make ANY sense? It's stupid - if I'm going to wear a belt, I'll wear my pants at my waist thank you. 

And I find it kind of sad that most blacks act the way they do. It's sad that I'm considered an outsider among blacks because I don't choose to act out and cause a ruckus. No matter what I say,what I do, how I dress, there is no one who could really convince me that I'm not really black. 

Imperfection

I find it crazy that in our amazing world, we still haven't managed to grasp the concept of imperfection. It's this whole twisted, insane concept that we fail to understand fully, so we disregard it. And it's a flawed concept. The definition of perfection is different from person to person, which only makes it logical that the concept of imperfection differs from person to person. Because we fail to develop it into one main idea, we continue to fragment this one idea into many other ones. And because we fail to see from everyone's perspective, imperfection becomes a selfish concept. 

And this whole perfection business is bullshit. It's the reason I don't really clean my room because it's clean enough for me. It's the reason I like my hair, because it's NOT perfect. It's the reason I like team sports, because people get to help you don't have to be perfect. And I'm sick of trying to conform to everyone else's perfection. Why aren't I allowed to meet my OWN standards, which believe it or not, are extremely high? It's the reason I hate school, because of how narrow-minded everyone is, and how they just try to conform and get on with their lives. And I'm happy with what I think. That I can state my opinion and not be afraid of what you have to say because, hopefully, you realize by now we have our own views and opinions and other people's opinions are okay. 

Control.

It's called control. This simple little word that we all pretend to have. I don't care about what anyone says, they don't really have complete control over their little world. It's a concept we as humans still fail to grasp. I for one, completely don't understand this shit. I really do act like I have complete control over my life and I seem so put together and I think I really act like I do. Really, I'm a mess. I have no clue who the hell I am in this crazy world that everyone PRETENDS to have control over. It's really not something we have ANY control over. It just continues to slip from our grasps, and the more we try to keep control over it, the less we can do with it. When we stop trying to convince ourselves of this false sense of reality, we may actually gain control over this hectic world. I'm extremely disappointed in myself for the way i act like i have control and i hope that i can show that no one really DOES have control over their lives and that sometimes, things really do just happen for a reason

Inspiration

Basically, this wouldn't be here without the woman i call Claudine. I never figured out a way to express what I thought besides myspace, and that wasn't extremely organized. But after reading the depth and complexity of what Claudine said, it inspired me to just let everything I have cluttered inside into this small webpage. It doesn't seem like much now, but just wait, it will be. So, I thank you Claudine, for inspiring me to start this blog.